Forgiveness

If forgiveness is the ultimate preventive medicine, and I believe it is, as do millions of people, then my earlier post, Care Givers, doesn't say much for my personal, metaphysical medicine cabinet. My bottle of forgiveness seems to need a refill.

If I had truly forgiven the 'human monsters', I would not have any resistance to giving them care, in their time of need. I would not be repulsed by the acts they had committed, or at least I would not be focused on those acts. More to the point, I would be focused on their souls.

A Soul is not a personality, and it is not the sum of its thoughts or deeds, nor its emotions. A Soul comes here, into a human experience, with intention, with purpose, and with assistance to live out their 'destiny', and to perform and act out whatever it is they intended to act out. It may be for the enlightenment of others that they mirror our rage, our deceit, our 'dark side'. They may be sacrificing their lightness to show us our darkness so that we may, indeed, grow. In fact, by my labeling them "monsters" I have attached my judgement to the experience of who they are, which will not allow growth, but only resistance to growth.

As I look at the man who inspired that post, I know that he was an alcoholic, a rage-oholic, a pedophile, a child abuser, and one of the most depressed men I've ever seen. I could take all of that information and make a judgement, without further inspection. I would say, "No need, he is faulty, broken, evil, damaged and deserves what he gets, whatever that is." However, upon closer examination, upon further investigation, I would know that he was born to an abusive, depressed, suicidal father, who was an adulterer. His mother was cold, distant and unloving. His father died when he was young and he was left to his older, dysfunctional brothers and sisters. I believe he was only 15 or 16 when he joined the army to fight in WWII and later, Korea. He was abused, beaten and forced to experience atrocities, first hand. He was, by all counts, a victim of his childhood, if there is such a thing.

In his generation there was a stigma to seeking help. There were no medications or therapies to help him. He had the Catholic Church but it only made him fear his own mind and feel undeserving. He could hardly bring himself to confess his inner hell so that no forgiveness could be had ....he was too far gone by then. He never forgave himself. His constant need for punishment, his dark thoughts, and his anguish consumed him. He suffers all the effects of living such a life.

His behavior, his personality, his dark mood were grown and fed with his earliest memories of denial and rejection. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Lots of people grow up abused and neglected and they go on to do great things, it's a matter of choice. Anyone who has ever suffered with a chemical imbalance can tell you that it's not that easy. Your choices, when you are chemically damaged from repeated patterns, are very limited. I know when I suffered an emotional trauma, it took months, in fact, it took nearly two years to completely recover. My mood was dark, I could hardly meditate, my work suffered, and my relationships disappeared. I struggled day after day to recover my Light. I was fortunate to do so. I believe my perseverance was predicated by my previous experience of Lightness. But, for those who have never experienced that spiritual ecstasy, they may not have the desire to continue the fight back to wholeness, for not knowing it exists.

I wanted to deny the human monsters any love or forgiveness. I didn't mind if they continued to suffer.

So, what is the truth if we are all a mirror of each other? It means there is a part of myself I want to deny love and forgiveness. Being able to speak out our inner most anguish, our inner dark thoughts and feelings and forgive our humanness, allows the Light to shine upon it all. Holding it in and hiding it away allows it to fester and create dis-ease and dysfunction. Being in denial of our truth, our past, our feelings is what drives us to our collective obsessions and addictions.

So, I will powder the monsters tush. I will kiss them good-night. I will say, " You are forgiven for your weaknesses, so that we can all be forgiven." Until we can do that, the inner battle and outer battles will continue to rage.

I'll start with forgiving myself for holding on when I could have let go. I forgive myself for blaming others and for hating them for the circumstances that I co-created. I forgive myself for allowing my emotions to run amok, at the detriment of others around me. I forgive myself for judging others and myself, for being human. I am imperfectly, perfect and I will strive to see others in the light of that truth.

I will refill my forgiveness medicine bottle by choosing forgiveness over blame, forgiveness over judgement, forgiveness over anger. That is not to say I will not feel anger or blame but that I will bring it out into the light in order for that energy to be resolved and healed.