"Just Stop It!"

Every now and again an old pattern or behavior is triggered by a thought or belief or emotion and I find myself talking shit inside my head. I'll berate myself for something I did or didn't do, or I'll question previous decisions or I'll gnaw on an old issue. I sometimes worry about decisions I have to make or fret over someone else's situation. I'll try to analyse some one's behavior or condemn their stubborn resistance. When this happens, I start cleaning. That's what I do when I get into a snit about something. I'll clean out another closet or organize my ancient sewing box or scrub the concrete patio floor. Not a dust bunny is safe when I'm worried or angry. Not a window sill or baseboard is out of my radar range. I'll mumble and fume over something someone did or said or reconstruct an old memory for further evaluation. Most of the time the thoughts are negative, judgmental, and punctuated with expletives unbecoming a Goddess. I'll call myself names while I use a scrub brush on my window screens. I'll toss around ideas back and forth while my hands are busy polishing all the glass in the house. Everyone knows to clear the decks when the brass polish comes out. "Uh-oh, she's cleaning knobs on the lamps again. Let's get out of here."

It used to be really bad in the 80s. If I was worried or afraid of something I'd be up all night on my hands and knees cleaning the tile grout with a toothbrush. My mind burning up thoughts at 100,000 tpm. (thoughts per minute) When my daughter was a teenager I worried more than usual but my house was spotless. You could literally eat off of my floors. Not so much these days.

One day my daughter said to me, "Mom, what good is it to have a beautiful, clean house if it doesn't feel like a comfortable home?" Damn those kids. When did she get smarter than me?

I was feeling blue a few weeks ago and found myself standing in front of my linen closet pulling everything out and wiping out all the dust from the corners. I created a pile of old worn out massage sheets, dingy towels and more than a few bottles of lotions and potions dating back a few years. As the piles in the hallway grew, the thoughts in my head amplified. Some old habits die hard, as they say. I was nagging at myself for not being decisive about a particular situation. I was feeling guilty and therefore angry. Nag, nag, nag. Blah, blah, blah. The linen closet was completely empty and the hallway was impassable with the piles for Goodwill and the piles for recycling and the giant bag of trash. The whole mess became overwhelming to me so I walked into my office for a break.

There, on the little table between the swivel chairs, along with my crystals and seashells was the rock Carmelita bought for me on her visit here last month. She bought one for herself, as well. You see, I'm not the only one who needs a reminder from time to time.

My table holds several rocks lasered with words of inspiration. Love, Peace, Serenity, Joy, Laugh, Breathe. Carm's rock says, "Just Stop It!" Ha! There it was, staring me in the face. It was the message I most needed to hear at that particular moment. "Just Stop It!" I laughed right out loud!

An unhealthy behavior that could have lasted all day long, lasted only half an hour. I was snapped out of it by a rock. "Just Stop It!" I smiled the rest of the day.

You see, I got lost inside my own head. I tell my clients, "Your mind is not your friend." If a situation is troubling you, or a decision needs to be made, don't ask yourself what you think about it....what do you FEEL about it? My feelings were what I was refusing to acknowledge. I was resisting my feelings. The energy built up and away I went into an old behavior. Blah, blah, blah. Nag, nag, nag. As soon as I sat down to feel what it was I was resisting, the compulsive behavior subsided. I was afraid. I was afraid of making a wrong decision. I was afraid to move forward. I was feeling guilty entertaining an idea that would affect my mother in a way I knew she wouldn't like.

By the way, my hips were bothering me. That is a sure sign of the fear of moving forward. I should have known. But, we sometimes put blinders on when it comes to our own shit.

I felt my fear, I healed my worry, I stopped resisting my guilt and I embraced my new exciting future. Instantly, my hip pain disappeared and my compulsive obsessive behavior ceased. Oh, I managed to finish the linen closet, but I did it without the negative thinking. I did it slowly, with a smile and I danced to music as I finished the job.