Caring for The Elderly

As the baby boomers are now reaching the golden age of retirement, most of us have parents who are heading into the twilight years of their 80s and 90s and in need of special assistance, and often in need of 24 hour care. My aunt was just placed in a private home for that kind of care. She is my mother's younger sister. She's blind and has been slowly losing her mind over the past year. She can no longer care for herself and probably should have been placed in a facility long ago. But, as is the common family genetic personality, she is stubborn. My cousins are all professional working people with families and businesses and very little free time. This seems to be a common problem for my generation. We still need to work, can't afford not to, and don't have the resources to afford daycare for our parents, college for our children, and babysit our grandchildren. This stage of life, the 50s,and 60s, comes with an enormous amount of responsibility. At least for those of us who have parents sill living and children who still speak to us.

I spoke with a woman yesterday who is struggling with her situation. Her father died several years ago and her mother is going blind so has moved in with her so that she will have someone to look out for her as her condition worsens. This is what she has experienced.

"I'm so angry that this has all fallen onto me. My mother was no saint, that's for sure. In fact she was not a good mother at all. She was mean and angry most of the time and lived like a slob. Her house was always filthy. I used to be embarrassed to bring friends over. She never showed up for my plays, my awards ceremonies at school, PTA meetings or my brother's baseball games. Once he was given a trophy for best player and neither one of our parents showed up to cheer him on. She was lazy and selfish and here I am, having to give her the care she never gave me. I resent the hell out of her. I find myself saying things to her that I shouldn't. I want to be forgiving, I want to be compassionate, I want to be a gentle loving person for her, but those memories are there...lurking in the back of my mind and I want to ....well I can't say what I want to do. Sometimes the thoughts in my head scare me, not that I would ever harm her. Really, I wouldn't. Please dont' think that. I'll keep her safe and I'll take care of her.....I just don't want to. The truth is, everyday I pray that she will have slipped away in her sleep so that I can get on with my life. That's terrible isn't it? When I hear her start moving around in her room, I almost feel disappointed that God didn't come and get her during the night. All she does all day is sit in a chair. What the hell kind of life is that? Where's the quality or dignity in sitting in a chair timing your bathroom breaks? We treat our pets better than this. I swear, when I get to that stage, if I get to that stage, I want to take some sleeping pills and just drift back out of my body. I will never be this kind of burden to my children, that's for sure."

She was honest with her feelings and she was able to vent them in the safe environment of my office. I created a space for her to let it all out. As the hour passed more was revealed.

"My father was an alcoholic. The things that happened in our house back then, would have put them in jail today. He was abusive and she never stepped in to protect us. She made excuses for him all the time. She stayed because she didn't want to go out on her own to make a better life for herself. I guess that's what she learned from her parents too. They were alcoholics too. It's crazy isn't it? Sometimes she'll just start talking about a memory she has from when she was 7 years old. She saw some things no child should have to see. Her parents would have drunken parties and she'd peek through the door and watch her mother take off her top and let men ...poor mom. I guess she didn't have a chance. Her life was destined to be what it was. I really feel sorry for her. She was never very bright to begin with. School was always a struggle for her. I guess she just didn't think she deserved anything better. She calls me a saint, you know. She thinks I can do anything and she's told me that she appreciates what I do for her. You know? I think I've been waiting for her to apologize for my childhood. I'm angry that she never said she was sorry for not being there for me. I was emotionally abandoned but, so was she. She just didn't know any better. How could she? She was abused too, and neglected. I guess she did the best she could with what she had."

As the session continued her energy began to soften. I asked her how she would like to feel today.

"I want to feel more loving and patient. I want to feel peaceful and accepting."

The more we moved through her feelings her tone moved up to higher freguencies. From anger and resentment, to acceptance and peace. I gave her some tools to use throughout the day to empower her to manage her emotional energy. I can't wait to see her next week.