Sibling Abuse

Nobody talks about sibling abuse. On daytime shows, like "Oprah" you'll hear stories of parental sexual abuse and incest, or spousal abuse and stalking but nobody ever talks about sibling abuse. Some people think that brothers and sisters fight and that it's normal and to a certain extent that is true. But what happens when it goes beyond normal bickering and into rage and torment?

I read an article in "Time" magazine about college age girls and boys who were abused and teased relentlessly by their brothers and sisters. It appeared that they were at a significantly higher risk for depression and learning disabilities.

I remember being teased to the point of hysteria. My older sisters loved to make me cry when I was three and four years old. They told me I was thrown away by my 'real' parents and that Mom and Dad found me in a garbage pail. They only kept me because they felt sorry for me. They had evidence, in fact. I was the only one with brown eyes and the only one with dark colored hair. They would repeat it and repeat it until I collapsed in tears. If they could make me cry before breakfast they knew it would be a good day.

So, here's the deal. I decided I was unworthy of love. I felt abandoned even though the story was untrue. I made decisions about my value and my position in the family because of the repeated episodes of 'teasing'.

A few years ago, a relationship I was in, ended abruptly. One day we were going to live happily ever after and the next day it was over. There were no warning signs and no talks, just "I can't do this, I'm sorry" The first thing I thought was that I was being thrown away. Those taunting words from forty years earlier were in my head.

As I shared in the last post, the decisions we make early on in our lives reassert themselves into our present time relationships.

client is here...be back soon.

I'm back...

So, as I was saying.... Present day relationships, including our relationships with ourselves, are determined by our previous beliefs, fixed ideas, decisions and experiences. And wouldn't you know, this last client was a perfect example.

In the last few moments of her massage she asked me if I could 'see' anything that might of interest to her. I looked into the space where all memories and experiences are held and I saw a tree. It was a very large tree with a huge trunk and roots spreading out on and in the ground. She was a little girl playing under the tree with a little boy. He was bigger than she was, perhaps a few years older. They were playing a chasing game. Around and around they went, until she tripped on one of the roots and fell hard injuring her back. She screamed and cried and looked to this boy for help. After all, he was a big boy and from her perspective, he should have been able to pick her up and give her aid. He didn't. He just looked at her and watched her cry. He didn't run for help, he didn't say anything, he stood there watching her cry. From that experience she made some decisions about males. "They aren't helpful, they don't take care of her, they aren't nurturing, she's on her own, she'll have to take care of herself, are just some of the fixed ideas that developed from that one experience. When I shared that with her she almost laughed. I asked her if that sounded familiar and she said, "Oh yes. As a matter of fact, that came up just yesterday in my relationship with my husband."

Keep in mind, all relationships are a co-creation. Each of us bringing our side of the equation for the experience to be complete. Therefore, what are the beliefs and fixed ideas her husband must have in order for that conflict to take place?
Of course it's not important to concern yourself with what your partner is creating, only what your part in it is.

Here's another client's scenario. She came in for a reading last January. The first thing I saw was her in a wedding veil. I asked her if she was getting married. She looked at me like I was out to lunch. "No." Hmmm. "Really?"
I looked again and there she was, in a wedding veil. She was happily laughing and being carried in the arms of a handsome man. I asked, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Again, the face. "No." ....Okay...so I looked again and there it was. She's being carried up a mountain by this strong and rugged man. She's wearing cut-off jeans and hiking boots but she's carrying a bouquet and still wearing a veil. The message I was getting is that whoever this guy is, he's nearby and by summer she was going to be in a relationship with him and having loads of fun.

Well, here it is summer and last week she came in again for a session. She has met him and at first glance they fell head over heals. They're having a ball, she loves his 5 year old son, she loves him...but....sometimes he's mean and she doesn't know if he's the one or do I see someone else or what's going on.

This is what I saw about how they relate to each other. They start out having a great time, then he says something with a tone in his voice that reminds her of her father and how her father used to talk to her mother. They used to get into horrible arguments when she was very little. Sometimes those arguments got violent. She swore she would never, never let a man talk to her or treat her like that. When her boyfriend uses a certain tone with her, she gets defensive and tells him that they need to talk.

When he was a little boy, his father abandoned his mother and him and forever his mother blamed him for her lot in life. No matter what was going on, it was his fault. He became very defensive and swore he would ....never let a woman blame him for how she feels.

Oh dear....see the mess we make with our fixed ideas? Does this mean they can't work it out? On the contrary. It is perfect that they are together to work it out. If she leaves this guy she'll just end up with another one to dance this dance and it will continue with the same steps and rhythm as the last. He will too.

Back to sibling abuse. Most of the fights my sisters and I got into were normal aguments over who wore who's sweater and who's turn was it to wash the dishes. We were a normal family, for the most part. What we did know, and this was certain, was that we might temporarily hate a sister but if a neighborhood friend said anything against her, we'd kick their ass. We stuck together, and we protected and defended each other. That's normal. But when the teasing becomes torture, when the fighting becomes violent, I would hope parents not look at it as 'kids just being kids'. The damage can haunt a person for a lifetime.

The stories I could tell you about sibling abuse would ruin your day, so I won't. Not my stories, mind you, but stories from clients who suffer the emotional and psychic scars for their whole lives, that is, until they find a healer. >grins<