Lightbulb moment....

In my session with Dr. Rand on Monday a memory surfaced. A memory I had buried a long time ago. I posted a brief description yesterday of a beating my father gave my dog. During my session I allowed myself to be in the past, be that young girl, and watch the detailed video memory of the entire incident. Frame by frame. Moment by moment.

The beating took up the first ten minutes. I was watching from the end of the driveway, peeking from behind the corner of our house. I prayed, "Please don't die!" I repeated it and repeated it. Blackie was my closest relative. I had four sisters and a brother but my dog was my love. He slept with me. He was trained by me. I felt love from him in a way I never felt it from people. It was killing me to watch what my father was doing to him.

When my father finished, he walked into the house and left the dog laying motionless on the strip of lawn that ran down the center of our driveway. I couldn't go to him because if my father saw me giving him any comfort it might re-trigger his rage. I had to whisper from the back of the property. "Blackie, come." At first he didn't move and I was so afraid he was dead. I waited and called him again, very quietly. His head moved and he looked at me. He tried to get up. Poor thing. He crawled to me after much encouragement and as soon as we were out of view of any of the windows of the house, I brought him to the backyard. I held him in my arms and stroked him. I loved him with my hands and my words. We stayed there for an hour, just stroking his hair and whispering loving words.

That was the end of the story and the emotional charge in my body was broken. Dr. Rand said. "You were a healer even back then."

That sentence has echoed in my mind several times this week as I continue to process.

Blackie didn't have any broken bones, no bleeding spots, not even a limp when our session was over. I never thought about that before. A lightbulb idea flashed. Would I have developed my skills as a healer had it not been for the violent traumas of my childhood experiences? Who would I be today if not for those memories? All of it, the pain, the fear, the physical, emotional and sexual abuse, drove me to do the work I do today. It came with many struggles, this life. But it also came with great realizations and gifts. Introspective day, today.